Monday, April 21, 2014

Trix Are For Kids


Easter Sunday is over, and thankfully to social media; parents showed how proud they were of their adorable kiddos and praising their Most High...meaning Jesus Christ, not 420.  Although I understand the reason for the celebration, I'm happy the holiday is over with.  Not because I'm anti-Easter, but because I'm Anti-TheEasterBunny.  


That thing freaks me out.  I don't know how America, or the world, or whoever came about choosing this as the mascot; allows their kids to sit on the lap of this furry rabbit/bunny/hare...whatever you want to call it.  Give me Santa Clause or the Tooth Fairy any day of the week.  I rather deal with having to explain to my kids how a fat jolly white man or a Tinkerbell like sneaks into my house...kinda like a thief...and eats my cookies with dairy products and takes my children's  pearly whites all while everyone is asleep.  

 

I Just had to add this one...all I think about is what happens when she runs out food.  

The bunnies from my childhood stories ran from humans, but not the ones around my house. The Peter Cottontails in my neighborhood are super bold. They fearlessly graze, literally steps, from my stoop.  They don't scurry off as I close in on them.  They do more of a hop and skip type thing, as if they're sharing the turf or bothered by my existence.   On top of that, they look east and west at the same time.  I think that's what freaks me out the most…you never know what they're looking at.  I am seriously considering moving depending on how badly they multiplied during the winter season...laughing, but very serious...it's the attack of the bunny gang.

Needless to say these children feel the same way.  Stop torturing your kids people.  Ask yourself, is the Silly Rabbit the knee your kid should be sitting on?


+Doitforthevine ...She ain't gonna do it.



The girl came prepared to fight, and won.

This is what happens when you use the sheets from Django and put ears on them? 
  
See you never know which way they're headed.


Seriously, no fur on the face. Who thought that was right?

The Easter Bunny has Musiq's eyes on Halfcrazy.
Need I say more. +Snoop Dogg 

Until Next Time...+TuneInMiHead





Thursday, April 17, 2014

Coachella Fever


+Coachella's first weekend experience came and went in Indio, CA. Everybody and their mama was there...well, except for me and my mama.  On top of that they still have another weekend to go.  The music celebrities are popcorn like making their surprise appearances.   +Twitter is crashing as people go #hashtag crazy, fashion is hitting +Instagram, and the sun is rising and setting in the middle of the desert as the fans/groupies pass out on their high on life experience. 



Okay, so my Chrisette Michelle wanna be a Rich Hipster slipped through my fingertips again. Here I am sitting watching the snow fall...Yes you read it right... in the City of Chicago aka ChiRaq.  On the outside I'm smiling and loving life, but on the inside I’m screaming out loud in my best +Seinfeld Elaine voice Cooooaaaacheeeeeellllllllaaaaaaaaaa!  I'm going, 2015 is my year baby. If I get these three down pack the rest will be easy as pie.


1.  Encourage My Friends to Go:  Okay so it's hard to convince my chicas to leave their cable TV for 3 days, to experience the outdoors.  This is usually the discussion. " Come on ya'll...it's music, sun, celebrities, partying all night, (and murmur this part) sleeping in a tent in the desert.  My girlfriends' response:



2.  Practice Pitching A Tent-




3.  Dance Like Leonardo DiCaprio-Step 1.  Shrug my shoulders up and down.  2.  Sway my hips side to side.  Step 3. Allow the person who's recording me make some weird facial expression.  Step 4.  Just kick and punch at air...don't know why, but why not it's +Coachella.




Until Next Time... +TuneInMiHead

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Growing Pains


I'm catching up on season 3 of +Game of Thrones.  Yes, I was under a rock.  Anyway, there was a part that really caught my eye in episode 21.  Khaleesi was searching for an army, and the merchant tried to sell her by slicing a nipple from his soldier’s left peck.  Immediately, this took me back...back into time.  

I remember it was like yesterday.  I was developing quickly into ‘My First Training Bra.’  Learning the troubles of tucking and snapping wasn't a problem.  I don’t recall the mother daughter sit down moment where she explained to me the extremities I would experience developing these Rolling Hills.  I definitely didn't remember the chafing portion of it.  OMG, everyday no matter how much moisturizer and powder I used they were irritating.  Initially, I played it off by rubbing them through my shirt, then my bra, and then it was nails to skin action.  Then it happened.  My once brown pigmentation turned pink. 

I freaked out…”Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!,” running up the stairs,  “They’re gone! They’re gone!”  I shouted.    My grandmother, panicked by my yelling, kind of yells back, “What's gone Nichole?”   By the way, I was the first Nichole, just to let all the other grandkids know...my bad petty moment…lol.   Not knowing how to say nipple without thinking I was cursing.  I struggled for words.   "Grandma, my…ummmm… they're gone."  “Huh child?  Calm down show me what you’re trying to say.”  I lifted up my shirt, and said "See...see...I scratched them off."  My grandma sitting in her rocking chair, doing her best to keep her giggles in, bent in a little further to get a closer look. “Now how did you do this Nichole?  I don't know...I was scratching them.  They won't stop itching. They itch all the time.”  My Grandma chuckles,  “Well, Nichole you're growing, it happens.”  “Now what? Are they going to grow back?!?!” tears forming in my eyes,  “What we going to do?!?!”

My grandmother sits back in her rocking chair, and like +Master Yoda, begins to school me “First of all you have to stop scratching, you understand?”  I nodded my head, embarrassed and responded, “Yes Ma’am.”  Pointing left towards the dresser she continues, “Now grab me that hair spray off the dresser.”   I do as I was told.  “Now, lift up your shirt, she says.”  Then suddenly I hear, Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  “There. It has alcohol in it, and should do for now.  Go on downstairs and play, and stop scratching them.” she says sternly. 




Yes, my grandmother sprayed me down with Saved by the Bell's sponsor Aqua Net.  I mean, obviously, as an adult I do realize Band-Aids, cotton balls, and  peroxide were probably better options.  However, two seconds of Shhhh were just as sufficient. I doubt if it was doctor prescribed, but it worked.  I didn't itch for the rest of the day.  I don't know if it was the remedy or me just never wanting for that to happen ever again.  Needless to say they grew back and I formed a whole new appreciation for them.

Until Next Time... +TuneInMiHead 

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Tune In MI Head: Tune In Mi Head Thursdays-#Music

Tune In MI Head: Tune In Mi Head Thursdays-#Music:  New music!  New album! Karmin!

Tune In Mi Head Thursdays-#Music

This morning while performing my morning rituals, dancing time in the mirror with coffee, I heard what sounded like pure +GLEE  harmony from a man's mouth, followed by a strong bellowed voice from a woman.  Shortly after, I hear a live band with trombones?  Who is this boy girl pop duo? It's Karmin, performing their newest single I Want It All.  

You probably know this group for covers they performed on YouTube, three years ago.  Which by the way were freakin awesome.  How many chicks do you know that looks like a 1940s pin-up doll, perform every man's rap verse from Chris Brown's epic collabo, Look At Me Now, featuring +Busta Rhymes and Lil Wayne.  Well, her name is  Amy Renee Heidemann,  and her buddy, Nicholas Louis "Nick" Noonan, is right beside her singing and alibiing, which just makes the duo even more dynamic.



I checked out their, long over due, album today, Pulses, and was feeling it.   They had a track that I remembered from the summer of last year, Acapella.  Remember, I said the album was “long over due”.  Their intro Geronimo was a strong starting point, but I also liked Tidal Wave and Pulses, which is also the title of the album.  


Obviously, I gave I Want It All majority of my attention, which by the way is still on repeat, but the album overall is at least 3 stars.  They're on tour starting in April. Add them to your Songkick app which, by the way, is the best app to track all your favorite bands.  I added the clip of what I was jamming to this morning, make certain you check it out, +Karmin  performance from +VH1 Big Morning Buzz Live!

Until Next Time... +TuneInMiHead 

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Frontal View

It’s sometimes considered grotesque or God's greatest creation.  We calculate it using the formula A=LxW.  It might be admired by many; and the ones that might not want the real deal may strap it just for the effect.  What is it you wonder?  The one eyed monster, Pretty Willy, Mr. Big or just plain and simple PENIS.  Don't freak out, Judd Apatow, a producer from a more unattractive and less fashionable similar concept of Sex and the City, Girls confirmed the ratio of how much penis people can handle in a movie. “Five seconds yes, 20 seconds no.”

I can understand why HBO let these chicas know their series would cancel if men's heads were exposed for too long. Myself, I'm even a little annoyed when guys send me a dick pic.  I guess it depends on the time of the day, sometimes too much cock can be overwhelming in photos or movies before noon.  Don’t judge me! Ladies and, shoot, even gentlemen don't act like you don't have at least two in your phone, or had this happen to you for that matter, whatever floats your boat. The secrete of just wondering, what it looks like, is good enough for me.  For TV, just seeing a hard-on upfront will always be -hardcore porn,  but if it’s soft...humph shrug shoulders...Cinemax it is.   I’m cool just keeping my imagination flowing; it eliminates the possibility of disappointment.  The one's below are just a few I still think about every now and then.  

D'angelo--Untitled-How Does It Feel video...FYI Pink wasn't the only person to form a pelvis like that.  Also I listened to this song on repeat while I wrote this...what? inspiration...lol.




Alexander Skarsgard- Now we all know we weren't focused on that book in the last episode of True Blood...it didn't even have title on the cover. 


Mark Wahlberg-Yeah, Calvin Klein was really cocky in the the 90s, but Justin Bieber will never 
compare.


Ryan Gosling-Was I the only one asking Steve Carrell to move his head a little to the right in Crazy Stupid Love?



Ken Jeong- I'm all about diversity baby...but really I want to see it because TBS and FX censor it..lol.


If you made it this far, maybe you can handle the Long John more than you thought.  


Until next time...

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Because I'm Happyyyyyy...I Mean Why Not Be?

So this week was a double dose doozie; the first day of spring and International Happy Day (IHP).  If you haven’t noticed by now I celebrate a lot of non-national holidays.  I’m  so happy I"m borderline Matthieu Ricard, but with more sass.  Now IHP is officially a Throwback Thursday moment, but doesn't mean your happiness stops, soooo...here's some suggestions to keep it going:

1.  Join the  Campaign-Pharrell Williams and United Nations Foundation is encouraging people to post a YouTube or Instagram video dancing and singing, and you might be the lucky winner to be featured on his 24hoursofhappiness.comI know it’s contagious you can’t help but to clap, tap a foot, or even do a jig to this funky beat song, Happy.  I’m singing it now just thinking about it.   Regardless if you win or not or missed the submission date, at least you had a good time performing for close families and friends. 


2.  Chocolate- If it wasn't for Pharrell, chocolate would've been my 1st choice, surely if it was up to MIFM, click here.  Now research proved dark chocolate is the best to receive that tingling of happiness and loose weight; but who wouldn't like milk and white chocolate, with caramel, in cake form, brownies, (salivating right now) chocolate fountains, or hot chocolate yes, even in the spring time.

3.  No Yelling At Your Kids...Or Not As Much Anyway- Gretchen Rubin mentioned it in her blog The Happiness Project.  If you don’t have kids, shoot let it be your brothers, sisters, a little person, or anyone that you think from time to time acts kid like.  FYI intense talk, Renita, …talking through you teeth, or giving that signature look letting them know you going to get in their tail in a minute if they keep trying you, counts too.  I know I’m guilty of it.  I have a teenager, I get it, I would’ve had an intense conversation today if it wasn’t for IHP, or like my son said, because he was sick.    Frankly, yelling at him just gave me gray hairs and a narrower path to cardiac arrest.  I want to rightfully earn my son taking care of me when I’m rocking Depends.  Besides if you really listen to them you’ll realize they are quite funny and enlightening.



4.  Spread the Happiness- It's always nice to share it with someone too.  It doesn't have to be someone you know or some huge gesture either.  It can be a simple smile, write a note showing your gratitude to someone, or build a whole new water pipe system in a third world country.  Bottom line is don't be stingy with it.


5.  
Laugh- Yes, it’s allowed.  Rather you have all your teeth in your mouth, or not, laughing is good for the soul.  Find the joke of the day, watch a funny clip on YouTube, or go back down memory lane.  I'm sure there are enough social media or Throw Back Thursday #TBT post that you can get your  Michael Jackson on by Remember the Times.  I know I laughed at many of my past moments.  



6.  Try to Incorporate Something You Love Everyday- Have something that no matter what you look forward to it, and it never gets old. It could be kissing your love ones when you get home, dancing in the mirror to your favorite song, trying something new, or working towards an ultimate goal.  It always starts with an effort.



Until Next Time...

Thursday, March 13, 2014

To Avoid an Idle Mind, I Work a 9 to 5

As I get older, work/life balance is a requirement.  The famous Dolly Parton sung it best, 9 to 5, who by the way is my corporate idol…why not?  She has big hair, tatas, and sings in the office.  I enjoy going to work, but I also look forward to getting off, but believe me when I say I need to go to work...I really need to go to work.

Like they say an idle mind is a devil's workshop. And if I'm at home for long periods of time, doing nothing.  This might be what happens...or did it?


1.  I couldn't make excuses for not cleaning or performing any other domestic chores.  Usually I would easily tell my son that I’m not cooking or cleaning because I’m tired…I’ve been at work all day…it’s a long day….every man for themselves tonight…but without working it’s just extreme laziness.


2.  I would realize there's nothing on daytime television.

3.  Since nothing is on daytime television, I would watch all my On Demand television shows that I will usually watch on Friday's night.

4.  Question my life  because On Demand is my Friday night highlight.
5.   Masturbate

6.  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

7.  Masturbate

8.  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

9.  Wake up and realize I still have several  hours to go and numbers 5-8 can go on...and on...and on...you get the point.

10. I could start the DIY project that Pinterest so easily influenced me to start, a year in a half ago.

11.  MIFM, My Inner Fat Me you met her previous blogis  in control of the menu choices.
  Corn tortillas
  Corn tortillas in the microwave
  Corn tortillas in the microwave with cheese
  Corn tortillas in the microwave with two different cheeses
  Corn tortillas in the frying pan with cheese
  Corn tortilla in the frying pan with 2 servings of cheese and salsa

Do you see the pattern?

12.  I wouldn't record any of the grand cuisines MIFM created on Weight Watchers Tracker...whatever Ms. Hudson...keep your singing to yourself today.

  
13.  I cursed the mysterious littler person who continues to steal or hide things from me…"CURSE YOU IMP…WHERE'S MY GOT DAMN CAR KEY....AND GLASSES...EARRINGS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

14.  I question if there really is an imp, or am I losing my mind.

15.  Since I don’t know, I immediately pray.

16.  I realize how much I miss people at work, but can't tell them because they're working, and don't have time to talk...texting is just so impersonal.
It's all about looking the part
Needless to say I need to go to work, and I'll just use my PTO for vacation time like everybody else.

Until next time…

Monday, March 10, 2014

The Diary of Francine's Key

So Wednesday was the last day I was in my car…well up and till this afternoon anyway.   The little imp, that’s in my house, she did it again.  As I said before, she’s a stylish diva that loves to accessorize herself in my jewelry and scarves.  Now it’s apparent that the stylish diva imp has a places to go and people to see, because this little…mmmmmmm…. don’t call her out her name, imp took my car key.

Yes I said car key…or you might be a little confused that I’m blaming it on an imp instead of myself.  Look I have no problem with taking responsibility, but this one has IMP all over it.  Needless to say after destroying my house and cleaning up for the past 72 hours there was still no sign of a key.  So I had to suck it up and purchase a new one.

        
   1.  FIND A TOW SERVICE
Learned the hard way about using my car insurance for roadside assistance, they will cancel you if you use it excessively.  None of my family members or exes have it, either. They're either that responsible, and don’t need it; or living on the wild side too. 

Calling grandma to see if I can be added to her +AAA service, and then hear how crazy it is not to have a key chain for my car key, then for her to ask every place I already checked a thousands times, to then hear how Home Depot made her keys to unlock her car door, but it wouldn't work in the ignition.  She finally concluded that she didn’t have AAA, but softened the blow by telling me she lost her spare keys too, and misery loves company.  Needless, I'm a new #AAA member.


       
2.  TOW SERVICE CONVERSATION

"Ma’am I need your key in order to pull your car onto the bed.", says Jose.  "I don’t have a key, sir…is that a problem?"  "Ummmmmmm, kinda, yeah, nooooooo, nope, but I think I can work it out."   "Is it going to tear up my engine or transmission?"  "Oh no, not at all.  There being ice on the ground is assisting the problem."  "I’m just going to go in the house, and watch from the window.  Thank you sir."


 3. CAR FACTS

Speaking to the Dodge rep, "Sooooo question, do you guys even make Dodge Stratus anymore?"  Rep responds, "A what ma’am…a Stratus…ohhhhhhhh nooooooooo we stopped making those in the 2000s."  In my head, so basically my Stratus is similar to a Pinto...well at least it's paid for.


    4.  ENHANCED VOCABULARY

The rep stamps my service ticket with big bold red letters WAITER.  I can’t control my tongue, and in a serious tone ask, “What does WAITER mean?” The sale associate kindly responds “Oh, WAITER…it means you’re waiting.  I respond with “Oh.” Then silence fills the room.  I tilt my head to the side, confused face.  Then I thought to myself, did I really just say that.  





I bust out hysterically in laughter.  Now the entire crew is laughing…we’ll just say with me.  The rep kindly says you’re not the only one who asked that.”  Laughing through it all, I kindly thank him for not being sarcastic and saying it with a smile.

Three hundred and thirty-three dollars later I drove my car back to my house.  I’m still cursing that imp, and all I know is, that imp, bet not miraculously make that key appear.  I might just loose it.

Until Next Time…



Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Congratulations,Your Dreams Are Valid...#Oscars!

“And the Oscar goes to… ….Lupita Nyong’o.”  Applause thunders the hall.  Tears of joy are streaming down faces. Large inhale exhale embraces take place.  She graces the stage, and runs her finger tips along the golden statue.  In that moment on Sunday, at TheOscar’s 86th Academy Awards, Lupita and her peers considered her an ever deserving award winning actress.


Then Monday, hits.  People are in their Monday Moody Moods, therefore congratulations and excitements turn into critics and pessimist.  Social media is ranting and raving about previous night’s accolades.  Then you hear the backward compliments.  You know the compliment… always followed up with a “but” then some form of criticism.


I’m sure many have heard, “Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.”  However, there is still a time and place for everything.  Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with constructive criticism, I mean shoot, I even appreciate it on my postings.  People, please post your comments, I want them. However, that doesn’t mean you criticize when I win my Pulitzer Prize. Sometimes it’s just great to allow somebody to be in the words of Pharrell Williams, Happy, and you hold your “I’m Just keeping it 100” to yourself.

If you know me this was my favorite part.
So yes, Lupita is a black woman; yes she’s another black woman that’s won another Oscar.  However, let’s look beyond that.  I haven’t seen 12 Years a Slave, or majority of the movies that gained recognition. Even with the social media hype surrounding Lupita, I didn’t know who she was until the final days of the Oscars.  However, as I watched her acceptance speech, a tear formed.  Not because I’m seeing another black woman reaching success, but a person realizing they have every reason to be validated.



The tear that formed for Lupita was the same tear that formed for Jared Leto acknowledging his mother, Matthew McConauhey's three things he needs each day, and the Steve McQueen's overly zealous stage hopping.  That tear would’ve formed as one of my many friends told me they are going back to school, their child passed the class they struggled in all year, they performed their first flash mob…or whatever random happiness that sparks them.


So, as I read statements such as “Congratulations Lupita, hope your success doesn’t end like many other black women who’ve won Oscars.” Or the comment, “People only hype her up because they’re amazed by her skin tone.” Which, by the way, I wish somebody would have the audacity to tell me I’m liked because I’m orange.  You know what let me just collect some money for you to give you some help.


So, for those out there that posted some form of criticism on someone’s page or their own, it’s best sometimes just to lift people up.  I know it might seem hard, but start small.  Better yet, I’ll give you a few you can use… please feel free to change the toning to apply genuinely ….your hair is nice, ooooo love those shoes, or my favorite, YOUR SHOULDERS ARE BANGING…I love it when people notice my shoulders (laughing, but very serious).  Sooner or later it will come naturally, and what you will also start realizing is that the compliments you receive in return will double too…I’m just saying.

Congratulations to all the Oscar nominees, winners, and anyone else who's doing the damn thang.



Until Next Time.