Show Me What You Working With...

This past Friday I started my “Pre New Year's Resolution.”  I feel it’s more feasible if I don’t wait until 2013.  For some odd reason Olivia Newton-John's 80s jam Physical played over and over in my head.  It’s a sign to get my behind in the gym…obviously without leotards and head bands.

For the last few months I have indulged in fine foods… wine, cake, wine, cookies, and more wine.  I must say it's been a stressful past 5 months.  Work, family, relationships AAAAAHHHHHH….okay maybe a little dramatic, and the same situations many experience, but I need an excuse for my vices just like the rest.

I possibly over extended the adjectives I'm a thick and curvy chica.  Thick and curvy has now taken a left turn to you better stop while you ahead boo.  First sign, walking…swish swish…pause…shrug shoulders continue walking, walking…swish swish…pause turn around, with a little fear and ready to run just in case, and see there is nobody trying to sneak up on me.  Oh no, that’s just me.  My thighs, sounding like I have on corduroys. 

Second sign, I know what you’re thinking, Francine what could be worse than that?  I’ll tell you what’s worse…my thighs not making sounds at all.  They are literally stuck together, and now I have the awkwardness of walking around like I’m pigeon toed.  Believe me it’s not as sexy if you weren't born that way.  

Let us move upward to the second sign.  I promise you my neck is starting to look like Kimora Lee Simmons (the baby neck).  I literally feel my skin overlapping and feel like I have to peel it apart.  Do you know how uncomfortable it is to extend your neck in fear that you will choke yourself in your sleep?  In my best Kevin Hart voice “This $**** just got real.” 

Solution to the problem is to get like Fergie... "I be up in the gym, just working on my fitness.”  Although this feels good and totally avoids the typical black killers i.e. diabetes, high blood pressure blah blah blah; she didn’t mention the aftermath in the song.  I didn't think it was so bad at first when my thighs screamed “WHY DO YOU HATE US!?”  I realized how bad it was when they decided to give out in the middle of the street, and I almost ended up on the hood of the taxi cab due to a Charley horse situation.  Then again, that could have been another bad karma situation from my bad driving experiences smh.  I guess no pain no gain…right?

As much as I enjoy 2 glasses minimum wine nights, and the 6 dozen of cookies I possibly ate over the Christmas break.  As much as I love my thighs and neck introducing themselves to the scientific term "lipids".  It’s time to stop this buffoonery.

Wait, before you start throwing out your suggestions.  Let’s not jump to conclusions here.  I’m not going to give up wine.  Maybe I can go red…thank God for Colgate Whitening and Cougar Town.  However, for now; the gym is a great way to start.  Note to self...learning the whole routine to Maniac from Flash Dance in my living room won’t hurt either.  Okay maybe a headband is not needed, but definitely leg warmers.

 Til next time stay tuned….

Excuse Me Mr. West

Dear Ye,

In 2007 I danced the night away to your song, Flashing Lights.  I was living the high life in fame and glamour, so I thought.  Unfortunately, my concept versus yours is night and day.  Instead of red carpets at the Grammys or photos by TMZ, I have the pleasure of smiling, more like dodging, the Illinois Department of Revenue's photo enforced cameras.I must admit my reckless driving has finally caught up with me. 

Maybe...just maybe...failing my driver's course three times before taking my unforgettable mug shot was a clear sign.  Maybe this is karma?   I can't name every incident nor mention the people I wooed to loan me their car during those times, but what I'm experiencing in my present are the consequences from my past.

For 2013 there will be a New Year resolution added to my list.  No more dents, high insurance rates; or pedestrians on the hood of my car. As much as I love that the City of Chicago has less pot holes in the streets due to my monthly citations, I will have to resign from candidacy as their highest paying client.

I no longer want to be an addict to my terrible driving, so I have taken a vow to the 12 Step Program similar to AA.  Reckless behavior is reckless behavior regardless of how you look at it...drunk or sober...it's all frowned upon.  It's not 12 steps, exactly, but the American Psychological Association has made a summary of it making it 6 steps, still just as effective.

1.       Admitting that one cannot control one's addiction or compulsion-Well that was easy...the whole purpose of this blog is admitting that I have a problem.

2.   Recognizing a higher power that can give strength-Dear Heavenly Merciful Father, I know you're busy out there with other severe problems, but I am here thanking you for allowing me to get each person that rides as a passenger in my car to their destination.  I humbly ask thee  to guide, protect, and keep me alert on every highway and bi-way as I continue on each of my journeys regardless of whose car I'm in or how far the distance. 

3.   Examining past errors with the help of a sponsor (experienced member)-He's not experienced in driving, unless you count, the numerous games of XBOX and PSP, however; he's been in the car with me the most. My son, Hosea, will definitely keep me in aligned and point out my wrongs…I’m sure of it.

4.   Making amends for these errors-I will apologize, ahead of time, to each person who trusts me behind the wheel of the car.  I will not speed through a yellow light.  I will slowly bring my car to a stop.  No more using my phone while driving...unless I need Google Maps because I will still have no sense of direction. I will invest in glasses.  In addition, I will pay off the remaining tickets from the City of Chicago by the end of 2013.  As for the Illinois Highway Toll possibly 2014 or maybe 2015…does that count anyway?

     5.  Learning to live a new life with a new code of behavior-I will not become annoyed at my sponsor or future passengers when they gasp for air while holding their chest or suddenly become converted to Catholicism as they pray to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  I will respectfully understand that their lives are even more important to them than they are to me.  In addition, I will become more accustomed to having the extra dollars in my pocket...helloooooo "Red Bottoms." 

6.  Helping others who suffer from the same addictions or compulsions- I don't know of anyone who drives similar to me, but willing to offer my suggestions.  Shout out to Jesse White, the Illinois Secretary of State, I am available to discuss future campaigns with my face for the marketing piece.

Mr. West, as much as I want to, I do not hold you accountable for me taking your song literally.  Please continue to spend your millions on the most popular Kardashian chick; and have your face on the cover of magazines.  I, on the other hand, will continue to avoid the paparazzi shots and the orange notification letters with a picture of my car driving thru another red light.

Till next time…stay tuned.

Love Jones In My Bones...Not!!!

"This here, right now, at this very moment, is all that matters to me. I love you,” in my best Larenz Tate voice.  The words I've been waiting to hear all night...shoot all my life.  The movie, now turned into a play, Love Jones (singing to myself..."gotta love Jones for youuuuuu...oooo").  Yes! I'm going...let's play it out:

1.  Ticket bought in advance...check...only 20 bucks can't beat it.

2.  Okay, Saturday is here... inhale... exhale.  Going to be punctual.  I've been talking about this show for a week now.  Shower is running at 3:45 pm...3 hours and 15 minutes before the show starts. Karaoke moment in full sway."The sweetest thing I ever known, it's like a kiss on a collar bone."  Lauryn Hill can sing it better, but I'm her fill in for now.

3.  4:15 I think I want to do a Mohawk...okay twist twist twist...bobbi pin it...mmmmmm...not feeling it...take it down...okay twist twist twist...bobbi pin it to the side...mmmm...tweak it tweak it.  Perfect!  (“They say I'm hopeless like a penny with a hole it,”sing it Dionne Farris.)

4.  5:00 okay what to wear?  Where is that one top that I had..."Niiiiiiigelllllll!!!?” Do you know where my blue top is?"  Man I don't have anything to wear.  Okay let's try these pants with this shirt...hold on where's my gold belt...ughhhh I can't find it.  Man, I really wanted to wear those earrings...I can't find them either...damn imp again.  "Niiiiigellll!”  “Have you seen, .oh never mind, I found it"...Oh $h!t it's 5:30..."Nigel, Nigelllll have you seen those one  shoes?"

5.  5:55 oh shoot, I have to get out of here!  Just pick something.  Oh...perfect.  Why didn't  I choose this a long time ago.  "Nigel, how I look?"  Perfect, now I just need to find my scarf...

6.  6:10 pulling out of the garage.  No Francine, you do not have time to pick up the lipstick you saw at the corner Walgreens.  Be more concerned about directions.  You know you don't know how to get there.  Google maps, download address...come on come on...damn Wi-Fi never works over here.

7.  6:22 G-Map downloaded directions…32 minute ride...if I don't get lost.  Stop and go traffic.  Might as well use my time wisely, where's my massacre? Three strokes on each eyelash.  Fiddle through my purse...where's my lipstick?  Oh there it is...I love this color I didn't need that new stick after all.  

8. 6:28 Instagram!!!!

.  

9.  6:37 hopping on the highway ... and the express lanes are open.

10.  6:46 off the express way...review the directions again..Looking for Morgan St.?  Dang it! I passed it.  Why didn't I turn on the navigational system?  The chic always explains the directions better.  Okay turn around...you are 2 minutes away.

11.  6:49 park it.

  

12.  6:53 made it...still looking good girl.  Approaching the box office, and I'm on time.  "Name please," she states.  "Clyburn, Francine Clyburn, here's my confirmation." Totally excited.  With my eyes closed, bobbing my head side to side, and tuning the world out.  "Ma'am...ma'am...Ms. Clyburn." Tune back in Francine.  She states, "I'm sorry to inform you ma'am, but the performance over sold, and we are unable to provide you with a seat for tonight's show.”(did this women just call me ma’am… seriously).

12.  6:55 "Are you kidding me, but I bought my tickets in advance, and I’m on time."  “I apologize ma'am, (she is calling me ma’am…flip the table over…flip it), but you should have received an email. “We'll refund the $20 in your account within 48 hours."

13.  I didn't get to see my imitation Nina and Darius tonight.  Luckily, I have it on DVD.  Note to self...I didn't get an email.  Best believe I will be saying something about my $20.00.

Til next time...stay tuned.

Just Me & My Work Hubby

I think Shawn Carter, aka
Jay-Z aka H.O.V.A. etc...said it best when he introduced his profound love for Beyonce in  hip-hop hit "03" Bonnie & Clyde, "All I need in this life of sin is me and my girl friend..."(knees slightly bent bouncing swaying side to side while making some weird rap hand gestures near my face loll).  However, when you're working a 9 to 5...you don't need the ride or die boo...but, more of the person to remind you of your 10 AM meeting on a Monday.   Dun ta da da dun to da da (in my best Superman hero theme voice), this is a job for your Work Spouse... hands on hips "S" on the chest


I saw a TV episode of Happy Endings, totally recommended on Tuesdays at 9/8 central on ABC; hilarious. The married couple had work spouses...the couple to the far left

  

Now, you may not realize that you have a work hubby or wifey, but believe me, the rest of your co-workers will definitely notice and point it out.  If you, and a co-worker fall in at least 3 of the categories below...it's official you have a work spouse.

1.  You depend on a particular co-worker for office supplies, snacks and aspirin.-I can't tell you how many times this comes in handy...because not only is the imp at my home stealing my accessories and clothes, but she's at my desk and sometimes steals pens and highlighters. 

2. There are inside jokes that you and a specific co-worker share.-This is all the time.  You will see a blog of my work husband's Schmidt Moments rotfl...you will probably only get this if you seen New Girl, Tuesdays on FOX 9/8 central...believe me I have hard time choosing between, Happy Endings and New Girl.  Decisions decisions which one will be live or On Demand.

3. You can be bluntly honest with this person about his or her appearance, hygiene or hair (and vice versa).-Due to me stating "are you trying to fit another person in your pants, he bought a new pair of slacks for work that fit.  In return I didn't snap when he pointed out my three gray hairs at the lunch table; yesterday...remember honesty is the best policy.

4.  In a group of co-workers you two may tend to forget that there are other people in the crowd to converse with-My work hubby and I were considered to be Martin and Gina...while the third wheel was Pam...not intentionally. Hopefully, those TV characters don't require an introduction.

5.  They are nine times out of ten the person you will experience your eventful moments during the work hours-Yep the time the entire Sandy Springs Police Station surrounded a Popeye's due to a potential stick up during my lunch hour, and I hid in the bathroom with my work hubby...yep shout out to my first work hubby in Georgia hugs hugs hugs...that was a possible ride or die moment lol.

This is my current work spouse (scroll up)...look at him diligently working...making changes in the world...he is aware that I took this picture other wise it will just be creepy.  We sit right next door to each other. Picture it similar to Tim and Wilson from Home Improvement (it's usually me that can't see over the wall...thank God for heels).  

I had a couple of work husbands, shout out to Louis & Christian. Due to moving, promotions, or being replaced by a new co-worker; they can come and go easily. It's okay though, they are easy to replace. Remember it’s not that serious...no liberation songs of I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor required if it doesn't work out.

 Instead of arguing over who gets the beach house in the Hamptons, it's more of the Office Depot catalog and the remaining paper clips at the bottom of the drawer.  Yes, embrace it. It's the healthiest and perfect relationship. 

Thanks for tuning in, and you will hear from me soon.

Stay Tuned!!!

Hello Everyone & Welcome!

OMG! I can't believe I'm finally doing this...BLOGGING...AHHHH (in my best boy band groupie voice)!!!!  I can't tell you how many times I have heard someone say, "You should have your own reality show, Francine."  I laugh at it, but sometimes wonder why I haven't done that...oh yeah that's right...too much disclosed.   So I'm trying blogging out, and think it will allow you to enter my world, but without the mayhem.

You may ask why I decided to title my blog Tune In Mi Head...and no "MI" is not misspelled to those who have experienced my terrible text skills lol.  Anyway... for one, I have a love for music...all kinds.   I can't live without it...I mean I'm the girl who will play her playlist during commercials of her favorite TV show.  It feels good and no one can take that away from me.  As my friend said "what ever creams my Twinkie," that may not come across the right way now that I typed it lol...

If it was my choice people will totally talk and live their life in song...I mean just like the Karaoke Trident commercial...  

When people talk to me...it may be  one word that triggers it...but yes I will literally sing a tune in my head with a shoulder bounce...that's me containing myself.  It may seem rude initially, but as you get to know me it's just me...nothing personal.

Needless to say I am approaching 35, and there are a lot of goals I want to accomplish...blogging scratched off :). They will be completed, but to my own tune.   With that being said SUBSCRIBE to my blogs  and catch the 411 as I journey through my list.  You will enjoy these great and sometimes awkward moments right along with me. Remember it's my tune though, so you might not always agree with it...but you can't say that you won't enjoy reading about it.